


Shattered Porcelain

by tarialdarion



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Anal Sex, M/M, Pining, Post season 3a, So Much Pining like you don't even know, if there was any more pining they could build a house
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:53:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23537164
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarialdarion/pseuds/tarialdarion
Summary: "It was not a crush.Eddie was too old to get crushes. No, what he felt for Buck was overwhelming and all-encompassing to the point that he forgot what it was like to live without him. Too much time without Buck left him feeling itchy and restless in a way that he didn’t quite want to analyze and most certainly never mentioned to Frank."
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 23
Kudos: 353





	Shattered Porcelain

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to [stellarmeadow](https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellarmeadow/pseuds/stellarmeadow) for making sure all my tenses made sense. <3  
> This is [nihilvanum's](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nihilvanum/pseuds/nihilvanum) fault

It was not a crush.

Eddie was too old to get crushes. No, what he felt for Buck was overwhelming and all-encompassing to the point that he forgot what it was like to live without him. Too much time without Buck left him feeling itchy and restless in a way that he didn’t quite want to analyze and most certainly never mentioned to Frank.

He didn’t feel up to seeing the knowing look in Frank’s eyes if he confessed how incomplete he felt without Buck at his side, in his house, in his life. He was well aware of what that meant, but he couldn’t afford to fuck them up again. He was man enough to admit that he had a hand in their separation before, and he’d refused to go anywhere near it again.

He was terrified. Every single insecurity about not being enough reared its ugly head as he contemplated confessing. Buck had never given any indication that he wanted anything more and he’s never had the gift of subtlety. Eddie knew what Buck looked like when he _wanted_ someone, but he had never seen that look directed his way.

Eddie was still desperate to be around Buck and hating himself for it. He can’t begrudge Buck that he just isn’t interested in Eddie that way. Buck owed him nothing and what he already gave Eddie was more than enough. He loved Christopher like his own and it wasn’t his fault that Eddie was selfish enough to want a piece of that for himself.

So when Buck turned to him in his living room on New Year’s Eve with too bright eyes and a lopsided grin, demanding that Eddie kiss him as the ball dropped, Eddie drank the rest of his beer quickly, tossing the bottle to the side, and went for it. The first kiss was sloppy and not quite angled correctly, but Eddie slid a careful hand behind Buck’s neck, tilted his head just right, and oh.

Buck was a good kisser.

The panting moans he let slip between their lips had Eddie hot and breathless all too quickly. He spared a moment to be grateful that everyone else had plans for New Years and they were alone in his house before every thought other than _Buck_ was driven forcibly from his mind by a hand resting on his inner thigh.

He surged forward, pushing Buck back on the couch and straddling his thighs quickly. Their kisses become hard and passionate and overwhelming to the point where Eddie feels like he can’t breathe.

Ten, twelve, twenty kisses later, Eddie’s dragging them down the hallway to his bedroom, Buck mouthing at the back of his neck and murmuring about how much he wanted Eddie’s cock inside him. Eddie pushed Buck down on the bed and stripped him slowly, taking in every tantalizing inch of skin revealed with reverence.

Eddie was slowly fingering Buck open when Buck told him to stop being so gentle. “This isn’t my first time, Eddie.”

Eddie narrowed his eyes, hating the very idea that someone else has been inside Buck, someone who isn’t _him_ . He growled out, “You haven’t taken _me_ before,” and the whine Buck let out has his cock jumping where it lay heavy between his legs.

“Wreck me,” Buck rasped, lurching up to press his lips clumsily to Eddie’s, clenching around Eddie’s fingers inside him. He knew that Buck was goading him, but the overwhelming urge to completely erase any memories of _others_ from Buck’s mind had Eddie removing his fingers quickly to replace them with his cock.

Pushing inside Buck felt like a revelation and coming home all at once as they gasp into each other’s mouths. Eddie presses his forehead against Buck’s and just breathes him in for a moment, letting them both carefully adjust to the feeling of Eddie’s cock inside him.

Careful, shallow thrusts gave way to slow, deep ones as Eddie took Buck apart completely, edging him to the point of tears before he finally let Buck come with a shout, his own orgasm almost as an afterthought.

A desperate voice in the back of Eddie’s mind kept telling him that maybe, just maybe, if he made this so _good_ for Buck, maybe Buck will want to keep him. Maybe he can have this always.

Maybe he can feel whole again.

* * *

Eddie woke up slowly, stretching lazily in the bed before realizing that the other side was empty. Buck was gone and from the cool touch of the sheets, he had probably been gone for a while. Eddie’s heart sank, an ache developing in his chest that he couldn’t ignore.

Oh.

He stumbled out of the bed into the kitchen, mentally shoving away the growing disappointment that threatened to overwhelm him. Christopher would be dropped off from his sleepover soon and his stomach was reminding him that he had yet to eat breakfast, but Eddie froze as sounds of stirring and sizzling reached him from the kitchen. He cautiously turned the corner, hope stirring in his chest at the sight of Buck standing at the stove, navigating through the shelves easily as he made breakfast for the two of them.

Eddie went to slip behind Buck and surprise him, but Buck turned around before he could move. Buck broke into a huge grin and Eddie couldn’t help but smile back, happiness rising quickly in his chest.

“Good morning, you’re up just in time,” Buck gestured to the food on the stove with a spatula.

“You make breakfast for all your one-night stands, Buckley?” Eddie walked over and gently hip-checked him, reveling in the domesticity of the situation.

Something flashed through Buck’s eyes and Eddie noted his grin dimmed for a moment before it returned in full force. He cocked his head at the rapid change in emotion but was interrupted by Buck mock-pouting at him. “I’ll have you know that Buck 1.0 left everyone satisfied both at night _and_ the morning after.”

The mention of other men and women flitting through Buck’s life had Eddie’s chest twinging uncomfortably but he ignored it. Right now, Buck was _his_ , and Eddie was going to make the absolute most of it that he could. “Way to make a guy feel special.”

Buck’s smile turned soft and private and Eddie’s heart flipped. “Stop complaining and get some coffee,” Buck laughed, “I’ve been slaving over breakfast for you, you could at least pretend to be grateful.”

Eddie made himself coffee as directed, feeling lighter than he had in a long time, and came to stand next to Buck.

“Hey man, I just want to make sure we’re good with all this,” Buck said, brushing shoulders with Eddie purposefully where they stood side by side.

Eddie frowned, putting his coffee mug down and watching Buck put the cooked bacon on a plate. “Of course we’re good, Buck, you’ve cooked in my kitchen dozens of times.”

“No,” Buck shook his head, turning to face Eddie, “I mean about last night. We’re good, right?”

“Yes,” Eddie said slowly, forcibly pushing away the negative voice in his head already questioning where this conversation was going, “why would you think we weren’t?”

“I don’t know.” Buck slumped against the counter. “I just don’t want to lose you again.”

Eddie opened his mouth to assuage Buck’s fears, a confession ready on his lips when Buck added, “I’ve never had a best friend like you. I can’t risk losing that again over one horny night.”

Oh.

Eddie smiled weakly, the pain in his chest rising suddenly, sharply. “You couldn’t lose me if you tried,” he laughed, inwardly cringing at how fake it sounded. “Christopher and I would drag you right back where you belonged.”

Buck brightened visibly, Eddie’s words clearly enough to wipe the trepidation from his face. “Great!” he said happily, turning back towards the stove to finish breakfast. “Do you mind setting the table?”

Eddie picked up his coffee again, gulping down a mouthful and letting the burn settle on his tongue to distract from the swirl of emotions building in him. He moved on autopilot, setting out silverware and napkins while Buck hummed happily behind him, carefully ignoring the insecurities raging against his calm demeanor.

Buck turned to put the now full plates on the table and Eddie’s breath caught at the mark peeking up over the collar of Buck’s t-shirt at his neck. Heat flashed through him as he recalled digging his teeth into Buck’s flesh as he slowly slid inside, muffling his groan into Buck’s skin.

“You okay?” Buck’s voice cut through the memory and Eddie blinked once before reigning himself in, tightly packing away every heated moment of last night and slamming it shut.

“Just tired,” He responded, sliding into a kitchen chair and picking up a fork, “didn’t sleep super well.”

He was lying: the rest he got laying curled up in Buck’s arms in his bed was the best he’d had in months.

Buck’s brow furrowed. “Well, maybe you can take a nap this afternoon while Christopher and I play with his new LEGOs.”

“You’re staying?” Eddie asked, trying to contain his surprise.

“Of course,” Buck said, looking scandalized, “Chris asked me to yesterday, remember?” He frowned again, a hint of insecurity dancing in his eyes. “Would you rather I go?”

“No!” Eddie blurted, ruthlessly squashing the part of his mind that was jumping up and down with excitement at more Buck time. “We love having you here. Maybe I will take that nap later.”

Buck scrutinized him for a moment more before nodding, launching immediately into a monologue about something he had researched earlier as they finished breakfast.

The look of excitement on Christopher’s face when Hen dropped him off after the sleepover was well worth the twist of Eddie’s stomach every time he looked at Buck. The answering smile on Buck’s face as he knelt down to wrap Chris in a strong hug was almost enough to overcome the clench Eddie’s heart made as he heard the words “best friend” ring through his mind over and over again.

* * *

Act normal was Eddie’s new mantra. Act like he doesn’t vividly remember what Buck’s lips taste like. Act like he doesn’t spend every night reliving the moment Buck was stripped bare on the bed and preening under Eddie’s gaze. Act like he doesn’t search for Buck’s scent on his pillow even though it faded long ago. Act like the moment he sank inside Buck wasn’t the first time he felt _whole_ in years.

Clearly normal wasn’t working.

Eddie tried aching from a distance to give himself a reprieve from the constant throbbing in his chest whenever Buck was close. But the hurt looks that Buck threw towards him every time he pulled away chipped at his self-preservation until he found himself pushing that aside in favor of basking in the stunning smile Buck would give at every invitation and shoulder brush he could afford to give. 

Distance wasn’t an option either.

He felt like he was being torn apart just by being in Buck’s presence, and yet being apart from him does nothing to sew the pieces back together.

He would never dream of keeping Buck and Christopher apart, but he was physically aching every time he clapped Buck on the shoulder, or they sat close enough that their knees touched. It hurt and so he blew hot and cold in his desperate search for normalcy: one minute spending evenings laughing with Buck and Christopher but pulling away from Buck’s hugs the very next moment.

He saw the hurt and confusion in Buck’s face but...he just......didn’t know what to do.

* * *

Eddie closed the door, dropping his work bag in the entrance and surveying what he could see of the house for his boys. (Buck wasn’t his, could never be his, but Eddie’s brain refused to accept the truth.) Buck had graciously offered to spend the afternoon with Chris before Eddie’s shift ended and Eddie had agreed all too quickly, selfishly wanting to enjoy the moment when he came home to the two people he loved most in the world.

“Anybody home?” He called, wandering into the living room.

“Dad!” Christopher yelled from the kitchen, his and Buck’s giggles drifting through the doorway, “we’re in here!”

Eddie stopped at the entrance to see Buck and Christopher leaning at the kitchen island, hands covered in green goop and surrounded by bowls full of other colors of a similar kind of goop.

“What-“

“We’re making slime!” Christopher chirped, waving a green colored hand excitedly. Eddie raised his eyebrow and Buck shrugged sheepishly.

“He didn’t want to watch anything, and we got bored of the toys. You had all the ingredients and it’s non-toxic…”

“We’re learning about newt fluids!” Christopher added, poking at the substance in one of the bowls.

Buck laughed a little nervously. “Uh, it’s non-Newtonian fluids, buddy, and I think your dad is tired.”

Christopher pouted and Eddie smiled, walking into the kitchen to stand next to Buck. “I would love to learn about non-Newtonian fluids, Chris.”

The blinding smile he received from both of them more than made up for the cleaning he was going to have to do later as slime splattered on the counter when Christopher demonstrated the properties of non-Newtonian fluids. Their laughter echoed brightly through the kitchen.

Buck’s shoulder brushed against his as he carefully helped Chris pour some of the mixture into another bowl and Eddie ached and ached.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](https://tari-aldarion.tumblr.com/)


End file.
